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The Duckwater Gazette^©

Buffet, NV. 89509
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Duckwater Dave - An artifact of a different time. A time when you could buy a car that runs for a hundred dollars, and get a good meal for a buck fiddy. Highly unintelligent, his two outstanding characteristics are his extreme physical laziness (he spends most of his time sleeping, reading detective stories and eating, unless otherwise challenged) and his dim-witted mind.

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I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore

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Local Frostbite Falls man in a jam

Frostbite Falls, NV. - Elmer Robley may have thought he gave police the slip when he switched motels.

But when authorities found the man slathered head-to-toe in petroleum jelly, they knew they had their man.

Authorities said a Frostbite Falls Motel cleaning crew discovered a petroleum jelly mess on mattresses, bedding, a TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels in Elmer's room after he checked out last week. Damage was put at more than $5,600.

Fourteen empty petroleum jelly jars and numerous pornographic magazines were fished out of the trash can, according to knfF radio in Frostbite Falls.

Shortly afterward, sheriff deputy's tracked down Elmer to a nearby Arlos Jr's Restaurant, finding the 74-year-old man entirely covered in the greasy ointment, authorities said.

Mr. Robley was charged with criminal mischief and was released on his own recognizance. An attempt to reach Elmer by telephone Monday was not immediately successful.

Prisoner Hires Exotic Dancer

Buffet, NV. - Hoping to boost morale among his fellow inmates, Elmer Robley a prisoner in the Buffet City jail, secretly hired an exotic dancer to spice up the prison's monthly culture night. The woman got all her clothes off, to the cheers of the male inmates, before guards could react.

"Everything had been agreed in advance with the inmates, who also had permission to invite the woman," Police Chief Phigg told the kbutt radio. "What we didn't know was that the hired dancer could do more than dance."

Every month, the prisoners are allowed to have a culture night, usually organizing it themselves after the show is approved.

Wednesday's show began tamely, with an inmate doing a standup comedy routine. As he left the stage, raunchy music filled the auditorium, and the woman started dancing and taking her clothes off.

"By the end, she was completely naked," Phigg said, adding the woman danced on stage for a few minutes before guards hustled her off to the roar of the inmates' laughter.

Even though Phigg seemed to be a good sport about the surprise, he said the inmate would have to explain himself.

Pumpkin Peter

A 27-year-old white male resident of Buffet,NV. was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.

He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.

The man failed to notice the approach of a Buffet Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Phigg approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"

The Duckwater Gazette©